Never again

Today I thought (hoped?) I was on a sitcom.  Remember some of those I love Lucy episodes where she messes up the chocolates in the factory?  That was me, but with fabric.

A year ago, I joined a Quilt guild.  They gave me the pattern for the name tag and said, oh this works better if you paper piece it.  Paper piece it?  I would rather piece it with my feet!  I would rather sew it in a darkened room...I would rather...  You get the idea.

6 years ago my oldest daughter fell in LOVE with a paper pieced heart quilt she saw in a catalog I had laying around.  (I now hide all Quilt print materials when she comes over.  For real.)  I ordered the pattern, bought the fabric and then entered my own version of Quilting Hell.  I watched videos on paper piecing, I went up to my local store, I looked it up on Quilt blogs and when all was said and done, I just hated it.  People gush about paper piecing - you get such sharp points.  So?  The back is a mess and it's not sewing.  Everything is done backwards and you are sewing on paper with the fabric upside down and underneath.  Then what do you cut it all off with?  Obviously your least favorite scissors and then all the other scissors bully that pair.  The nightmare just never ends. 

I got the quilt done and had it machine quilted.  I vowed I would never paper piece again.  Then I joined the Quilt guild.  So I put it off for a month...or twelve.  If I went back tomorrow without a name tag it would make an entire year that I had sashayed in as Ms. Anonymous.

I bit the bullet and started on the cursed project.  I made mistakes, I changed fabrics, I ripped, I sewed, I swore and I nibbled just a bit on chocolate.  It took me the entire afternoon and I cut the final square away from the paper and realized the pattern did not include seam allowances.  So now I had to applique this sucker onto another piece of fabric.  One corner got all screwed up.  I now detested all names, all name tags and all fabrics used to make name tags.  Got the applique done and if I squinted and sortof closed my eyes, it looked mediocre.   Then I knew I had to stitch my name on this spawn of Satan.  Years ago when I bought my machine I opted not to get the one that would spell out words.  I cursed this decision and using stitch number 97, somehow got my name stitched on it.  I realized I would have to claim that a not very clever 6 year old wrote my name on it and, further awesomeness, it was not centered.  Stitch number 23 was a flower so I added that to the left side.  Have I mentioned how much I am hating this annoying little name tag?

How to wear the name tag?  Clenched between my teeth?  Pinned to my hair?  Obviously, I had to make a strap.  Shockingly that went well, I added it to the top, pinned on the back and sewed them together.  To close up the seam I decided to use the flower stitch but I cleverly punched in stitch number 28 and got some rolling decoration.  Whatever.

At this point my husband came home.  I was covered, and I mean covered, in threads.  I was wild eyed and had chocolate smears around my mouth.  I was also wearing my name tag.  I asked him,  "Guess what I spent 4 hours making?"  "Um, want to go OUT to dinner?" was his response.  Smart man.

What's my name?

Done with the freaking name tag, that's my name.