Friday, September 30, 2011

Project Quilty

I have an idea for a new reality show - Project Quilty.  Here's how it goes:

Gather about 100 quilters and choose the flashiest, easiest to cry, most likely to stab someone with a needle and other Drama Quilting queens.  Send the other 80 normal ones home.  Put the remaining Quilting nutcases in a house with 20 machines, rotary cutters, thread, etc.  Only supply 10 cutting tables that are the right height.  Put out 10 good pairs of Gingher scissors, the rest steal from kindergartens.  Supply ten Horn sewing chairs and ten folding chairs.  Sprinkle this stuff around the house.

Week One:  Pass out 20 fat quarters to each contestant and have each quilter design and execute a top for a baby quilt.  Cut out the electricity randomly.  Serve a really good breakfast but take away all the leftovers.  Serve a late lunch from a Jack in the Box.  Serve it cold.  Don't serve any dinner and collect the tops from the 15 contestants still there by bedtime.

Week Two:  Show gorgeous batiks in generous quantities.  Give them to the quilter who complained the least about the mattresses.  Give the rest skimpy amounts of Walmart fabric but lots of chocolate.  Allow them to bargain and trade as they design and construct a Sewing machine cover.  Jack the heat up about 4:00 pm.  Collect the covers from the 8 contestants still alive.

Week Three:  Take away half of the good tables, chairs and scissors.  Do this with an armed guard.  Pass out brightly colored jelly rolls of fabric. The project is a quilted bag with unlimited food and fabric. Play rap music really loudly.  Turn it up.  Pass out kleenex to those quilters who leave, sobbing, strips stuffed in their ears.  Sell the 5 completed bags to pay for therapy for the remaining contestants.

Week Four:  Pass out hand quilted heirloom quilts in museum quality condition.  Everyone has the right tables, chairs, scissors and supplies.  Food, temperature, music and lighting are ideal.  This week's challenge is to cut up the quilt and create an item for a designer boutique.  Smile when all 5 quilters run out the door protecting the quilts and losing rather than defiling another quilter's work.

Week Five:  Name yourself the winner

It could be a hit, I know it!

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